BY 

GIDEON  WIIRBZ 


Digitized  by  tine  Internet  Arciiive 

in  2008  witii  funding  from 

IVIicrosoft  Corporation 


littp://www.archive.org/details/foolislidictionarOOtown 


rbe 

FOOLISH 
DICTIONARY 

An   exhausting   work    of   reference 

to  un-certain  English  words,  their 

origin,  meaning,  legitimate 

and  illegitimate   use, 

confused  by 

A     FEW     PICTURES 

By  WALLACE    GOLDSMITH 


Executed  by 

G  I  DEON  WU  RDZ 

Master  of  Vholly^  "Doctor  of  Loguacious 

Lunacy^  Yellow  of  the  "Royal 

Qibe  Society^  etc.^  etc. 

Cover  designed  by  E.   B.   BIRD 

GROSSET    &    DUNLAP,   Publishers 

52   Duane  Street      .      .      .      New  York 


Copyright,  1904,  hy  The 
Robinson,  Luce  Company 
Boston,    Ms:s.,     U.  H.  A. 


PW 
61G1 


To 

MY  DOG, 

W^ho  first   heard   these   lines 

And   didn't   run   awav 

MAD, 

I   Reverently   Dedicate 

This  Tome 


A  Fool  may  give  a  W^ise  Man  counsel.' 


P    r   e  f  a    c    e 


In  this  age  of  the  arduous 
pursuit  of  peace,  prosperity  and 
pleasure,  the  smallest  contribu- 
tion to  the  gaiety,  if  not  to  the 
wisdom,  of  nations  can  scarcely 
be  unwelcome.  With  this  in 
mind,  the  author  has  prepared 
*'The  Foolish  Dictionary,"  not 
in  serious  emulation  of  the 
worthier — and  wordier  —  works 
of  Webster  and  Worcester,  but 
rather  in  the  playful  spirit  of  the 
parodist,  who  would  gladly  direct 
the  faint  rays  from  his  flickering 


R 


candle  of  fun  to  the  shrine  of 
their  great  memories. 

With  half  a  million  English 
words  to  choose  from,  modesty 
has  been  the  watchword,  and 
the  author  has  confined  himself 
to  the  treatment  of  only  about 
half  a  thousand.  How  wise, 
flippant,  sober  or  stupid,  this 
treatment  has  been,  it  is  for  the 
reader  alone  to  judge.  How- 
ever, if  from  epigram,  derivative 
or  pure  absurdity,  there  be  born 
a  single  laugh  between  the  lids, 
the  laborer  will  accredit  himself 
worthy  of  his  hire. 

In  further  explanation  it  should 
be  said  that  some  slight  deference 


PREFACE. 

has  been  made  toother  wits,  and 
the  definitions  include  a  few 
quotations  from  the  great  minds 
of  the  past  and  present.  As  for 
the  rest,  the  jury  will  please  ac- 
knowledge a  plea  of  guilty  frorr 

Gideon  Wurdz. 


ABBREVIATIONS. 


Bet Between. 

Dist.    -..-.-  Distinguish. 

Eng English. 

Fr French. 

Ger German. 

Grk ,     .  Greek. 

Lat I,atin. 

Syn ,     .  Synonym. 

V.  i Verb  intransitive. 

V.  t Verb  transitive. 


It's  a  long  lane  that  has  no  ashbarrel. 


Distilled  waters  run  deep. 


A 


BSINTHE     From   two   Latin   words,   ad, 
and  sinistrum,  meaning  "  to  the  bad." 
If  in  doubt,  try  one.      (Old  adage,  "  Ab- 
sinthe makes  the  jag  last  longer)." 

ABSTINENCE 

From  the  Persian  ab,  water,  and 
stein^  or  tankard.     Hence,  water 
tankard,  or  "  water  wagon." 


ACCESSION  A  beheading  process  by  which 
you  may  either  win  or  lose  a  political  job. 
Old  spelling.  Axe-session. 

ACCIDENT  A  condition  of  affairs  in  which  pre- 
sence of  mind  is  good,  but  absence  of  body 
better. 

ADAMANT  From  "  Adam's  Aunt,"  reputed  to 
be  a  hard  character.  Hence,  anything  tough, 
or  hard. 

ADORE  From  add,  annex,  and  ore,  meaning 
wealth.  Example,  foreign  nobles  who  marry 
American  heiresses  adore  them. 


THE      FOOLISH      DICTIONARY 


ADVICE  A  commodity  peddled  by  your  lawyer 
and  given  away  by  your  mother-in-law,  but 
impossible  to  dispose  of  yourself.  Famous 
as  the  one  thing  which  it  is  "  More  blessed  to 
give  than  receive."  GOOD  ADVICE  Some- 
thing old  men  give  young  men  when  they  can 
no  longer  give  them  a  bad  example. 

ADVERSITY  A  bottomless  lake,  surrounded 
by  near-sighted  friends. 

AFFINITY  Complimentary  term  for  your  hus- 
band or  your  wife.  Sometimes  a  synonym 
for  "Your  finish." 

AFTERTHOUGHT  A  tardy  sense  of  prudence 
that  prompts  one  to  try  to  shut  his  mouth 
about  the  time  he  has  put  his  foot  in  it. 

AGE  Something  to  brag  about  in  your  wine- 
cellar  and  forget  in  a  birth-day  book.  The 
boast  of  an  old  vintage,  the  bug  a  boo  of  an 
old  maid. 

ALCOHOL  A  liquid  good  for  preserving  almost 
everything  except  secrets. 

ALDERMAN 

A  political  office  known  as  the 
Crook's  Road  to  Wealth.  From 
Eng.  ail,  and  Greek  derma,  mean- 
ing skin — "all  skin." 


ALIMONY  An  expensive  soothing  syrup,  pre- 
scribed by  the  judge  for  a  divorcee's  bleed- 
ing heart.     (Old  spelling,  allay  money). 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

ALLOPATHY  From  Eng.  all,  everybody,  and 
Grk.  piithos,  pain.  Pain  for  everybody. 
HOMCEOPATHY  From  Grk.  homoios,  same, 
and  pathos.     Pain,  just  the  same. 

ALPHABET  A  toy  for  the  children  found  in 
books,  blocks,  pictures  and  vermicelli  soup. 
Contains  26  letters  and  only  three  syllables. 

ANCESTORS  The  originators  of  the  Family 
Tree,  a  remarkable  sex  parodox  in  which 
the  Ann  sisters  are  always  the  four  fathers- 

ANGEL  A  heavenly  ineligible,  with  wings  and 
a  harp  ;  or,  an  earthly  eligible,  with  money 
and  a  heart. 

ANTE-ROOMS  Euphemistic  term  for  Canfield's, 
New  York  City. 

ANTI-IMPERIALIST  A  patriot  whose  con- 
science works  overtime. 

ANTIMONY  A  metallic  substance  discovered 
by  Valentine  in  1450,  and  now  extensively 
used  in  the  arts  —  particularly  poker. 

APPENDICITIS  A  modern  pain,  costing  about 
$200  more  than  the  old-fashioned  stomach- 
ache. 

ARGUMENT  Breaking  and  entering  the  ear, 
assault  and  battery  on  the  brain  and  disturb- 
ing the  peace- 


ARSON     Derived  from  the  Hebrew.      (See  IN- 
SURANCE). 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

ARTIST  Commonly,  the  individual  long  haired 
and  short-suited,  having  a  positive  pose  and 
an  uncertain  income.  Often  shy  on  meal- 
tickets  but  strong  on  technique  and  the  price 
of  tripe  sandwiches.  An  artist  may  be  a 
barber,a  boot-black,  a  Sargent  or  a  Paderewski. 

ATHLETE 

2£^i>\(l  M<i.^  A  dignified  bunch  of  muscles,  un- 
able to  split  wood  or  sift  the 
ashes. 


AUGUR        One   ^vho   bored    the    ancients   with 
prophecies. 

AUTOMOBILE 

-^^jr^Tw  From    Eng.    ought   to,   and    Lat. 

--^-i=^  o  /    tnoveo,  to  move.    A  vehicle  which 


ought   to    move,   but   frequently 


AUTOMBILIST     A  land  lubber  on  wheels  made 
up  to  resemble  a  deep  sea  diver. 


F'ne  feathers  make  fine  feather-bedSo 


A  stitch  in  time  saves  embarrassing  exposure. 


1 


ABY 

From  Grk.  habai,  wonder- 
ful.    Parents  are  yet  to  be 

heard  from  who  don't  think 

theirs  is  a  "wonder." 

A     noctural    animal    to  which    everyone   in 
a  sleeping-car  is  eager  to  give  a  wide  berth. 

BACHELOR  From  Latin  baculiis,  a  stick,  un- 
attached. Hence,  an  unattached  man,  which 
any  lady  may  stick,  stick  to,  or  get  stuck  on. 

BACKBITER     A  mosquito. 

BALANCE  Something  wanted  by  book-keepers 
and  often  lost  by  topers.  May  be  found  in  a 
cash-book  or  the  kangaroo  gait. 

BANDIT     An  outlaw.     See  ALDERMAN. 


BARBER  A  brilliant  conversationalist,  who 
occasionally  shaves  and  cuts  hair.  Syn.  for 
Phonograph. 

BARS  Things  found  in  harbors,  hotels,  fences, 
prisons,  courts  and  music.  (Those  found  in 
courts  and  in  music  are  full  of  beats). 


THE     FOOLISH      DICTIONARY 


BARGAIN 


A  disease  common  to  women, 
caught  in  the  Sunday  papers  and 
developed  in  department  stores 
on  Mondays.  Symptoms,  loud 
talk,  pushing  and  shoving,  a 
combination  prize-fight  and  foot- 
ball   scrimmage.     (Old   spelling 

'Bark-gain). 


BASEBALL  A  game  in  which  the  young  man 
who  bravely  strikes  out  for  himself  receives 
no  praise  for  it. 

BAT  Senior  partner  of  Bat,  Ball  &  Co.,  and 
never  found  without  the  rest  of  the  firm,  as  it 
takes  several  high-balls  to  make  one  short 
bat. 

BEACH  A  strip  of  sand,  skirted  by  water; 
covered  with  lady-killers  in  summer,  life- 
savers  in  winter,  and  used  as  a  haven  —  or 
heaven  —  for  Smacks  the  year  around. 


BENEDICT     A  married  male. 
BENEDICTINE     A  married  female. 
BENEDICTION     Their  children. 


BERTH     An  aid  to  sleep,  invented  bv  Pullman. 

Lower  preferred. 
BIRTH     An  aid  to  life,  discovered  by  Woman. 

Higher  preferred. 


THE      FOOIvIvSII      DICTIONARY. 

BICYCLE-SKIRT  A  abbreviated  garment  that 
makes  women  look  shorter  and  men  longer. 

BIGAMY  A  form  of  insanity  in  which  a  man 
insists  on  paying  three  board  bills  instead  of 
two. 

BILLIOUSNESS  A  liver  complaint  often  mis- 
taken for  piety. 

BILL-OF-FARE  A  list  of  eatables.  Dis- 
tinguished from  Menu  by  figures  in  the  right- 
hand  column. 


BIOGRAPH  A  stereopticon  picture  taken  vnth 
a  chill  and  shown  with  tremors. 

BIRDIE  A  term  a  woman  is  apt  to  apply  to  a 
man  she  is  playing  for  a  jay. 

BIRTHDAY  Anniversary  of  one's  birth.  Ob- 
served only  by  men  and  children. 

BLUBBER  The  useful  product  of  a  dead  whale. 
The  useless  product  of  a  live  baby. 

BLUE  The  only  color  we  can  feel.  INVISIBLE 
BLUE     A  policeman. 

BLUSH  A  temporary  erythema  and  calorific 
effulgence  of  the  physiognomy,  aeteologized 
by  the  perceptiveness  of  the  sensorium,  in  a 
predicament  of  inequilibrity,  from  a  sense  of 
shame,  anger  or  other  cause,  eventuating  in  a 
paresis  of  the  vase-motorial,  muscular  fila- 
ments of  the  facial  capillaries,  whereby,  being 
divested  of  their  elasticity,  they  become 
suffused  with  a  radiance  emanating  from  an 
intimidated  praecordia. 


THE      FOOLISH      DICTIONARY. 

BOARD  An  implement  for  administering  cor- 
poral punishment,  used  by  mothers  and  land- 
ladies. "  The  Festive  Board "  may  be  a 
shingle,  a  hair-brush  a  fish-hash  breakfast  or  a 
stewed  prune  supper. 

BOHEMIA  (Not  on  the  map.)  A  land  flow- 
ing with  canned  milk  and  distilled  honey  and 
untroubled  by  consistency,  convention,  con- 
science or  cash.  A  land  to  which  many  are 
called  and  few  chosen. 

BONE  One  Dollar  —  the  original  price  of  a  wife. 
Note,  Adam,  who  had  to  give  up  one  bone  be- 
fore he  got  Eve. 

BONNETS  A  female  head  trouble,  which  is 
contracted  the  latter  part  of  Lent  and  breaks 
out     on     Easter. 

BOODLE  Money,  born  of  poor,  but  dishonest 
parents,  and  taken  in  by  the  Graft  family. 

BORROW    v.  t.,  to  swap  hot  air  for  cold  coin. 

BOWER     A  shady  retreat,  in  general. 
BOWERY     A  shady  retreat  in  New  York. 

BRACE     Security  for  the  trousers. 
BRACER     Security  for  the  stomach. 
BRACELET     Security  for  the  pawn-broker. 


THE     FOOLIvSH     DICTIONARY 


BRAIN  The  top-floor  apartment  in  the  Human 
Block,  known  as  the  Cranium,  and  kept  by 
the  Sarah  Sisters  —  Sarah  Brum  and  Sarah 
Belum,  assisted  by  Medulla  Oblongata.  All 
three  are  nervous,  but  are  always  confined  to 
their  cells.  The  Brain  is  done  in  gray  and 
white,  and  furnished  with  light  and  heat,  hot 
or  cold  water,  (if  desired),  with  regular 
connections  to  the  outside  world  by  way  of 
the  Spinal  Circuit.  Usually  occupied  by  the 
Intellect  Bros., — Thoughts  and  Ideas  —  as 
an  Intelligence  Office,  but  sometimes  sub-let 
to  Jag,  Hang-Over  &  Co. 

BRAND  Something  carried  on  the  hip,  by  either 
beast  or  man.  Can  be  found  on  the  outside 
of  a  short,  red  steer,  or  the  inside  of  a  long, 
black  bottle. 


BRASS  BAND  A  clever  though  somewhat 
complicated  arrangement  for  holding  a  crowd 
together. 

BRICK  An  admirable  person  made  of  the  right 
sort  of  clay  and  possessing  plenty  of  sand- 
What  your  friends  call  you  before  you  go  to 
the  wall  —  but  never  afterward. 


BRIMSTONE  A  little  bit  of  Hades,  which  finds 
its  match  on  earth  and  smells  to  heaven. 
Better  to  strike  it  here  than  in  the  hereafter. 


BREVITY  A  desirable  quality  in  the  Fourth  of 
July  oration  but  not  in  the  fireworks. 

BROKE  A  word  expressing  the  ultimate  con- 
dition of  one  who  is  too  much  bent  on  specu- 
lating. 


THE      FOOT.  IvSH      DICTIONARY 

BUM     A  fallen  tough. 
BUMP     A  tough  fall. 


BUNCO     The  art  of  disseminating  knowledge  in 
the  rural  districts. 


BY-STANDER     One  who  is  injured  in  a  street 
fifl^ht. 


People  who  live  in  glass  houses  should  aress  in 
the  dark. 


01 


Don't  put  all  your  eggs    in  one    basket  —  try   an 
incubator. 


(E 


AB     Affair  for  a  drive. 

CABBY     Driver  for  a  fare. 


CACHINNATION 


The  hysterical     Ha-Ha."   Syn.  for 


^  ftLs-^' 


•^1  '^-■^'^^,  Carrie  Nation. 


^Sg< 


CADDIE  A  small  boy,  employed  at  a  liberal 
stipend  to  lose  balls  for  others  and  find  them 
for  himself. 

CAFE  A  place  where  the  public  pays  the  pro- 
prietor for  the  privilege  of  tipping  the  waiters 
for  something  to  eat- 

CAJOLE  V.  t.,  From  Grk.  kalos,  beautiful,  and 
Kng.  jolly,  to  jolly  beautifully. 

CALCIUM  An  earthly  light  that  brightens  even 
the  stars. 

CANNIBAL  A  heathen  hobo  who  never  works, 
but  lives  on  other  people. 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

CAPTIVATE  From  Lat.  caput,  head,  and  Eng. 
vacate,  or  empty,  —  to  empty  the  head.  Note, 
^A^omen  who  have  captivated  men. 

CAPE     A  neck  in  the  sea. 
CAPER     A  foot  in  the  air. 

CARNEGIE-ITIS 

A  mania  for  burning  money.     Con- 
tracted in  a  Pennsylvania  blast  fur- 
K-^^w      nace,  developed   in   a   Scotch  castle 
'.(-^^^■^  and  now  epidemic  in  American  public 
libraries. 


CART     V.  t..  To  take  off. 
CARTOON     The  take-off. 


CAULIFLOWER      A    Cabbage   with   a  college 
education. 


CAVALRY     That   arm    of  the    military  service 
that  engages  in  the  real  hoss-tilities. 


CEMETERY  The  one  place  where  princes  and 
paupers,  porters  and  presidents  are  finally  on 
the  dead  level. 


CHAMPAGNE     The  stuff  that  makes  the  world 
go  round. 


T  H  K      F  O  O  1. 1  vS  1 1      DICTIONARY. 


CHAIR     Four-legged  aid  to  the  injured. 
CHARITY     Forehanded  aid  to  the  indigent 


CHAUFFEUR  A  man  who  is  smart  enough  to 
operate  an  automobile,  but  clever  enough  not 
to  own  one. 

CHRISTIAN    A  member  of  any  orthodox  church. 

CHRISTMAS  A  widely  observed  holiday  on 
which  the  past  nor  the  future  is  of  so  much 
interest  as  the  present. 

CHUMP  Any  one  whose  opinion  differs  radic- 
ally from  ours. 

CIGARETTE  A  weed  whose  smoke,  some 
say,  should  never  be  inhaled,  and  still  more 
insist  should  never  be  exhaled. 

CINDER  One  of  the  first  things  to  catch  your 
eye  in  travelling. 

CIVILIZATION  An  upward  growth  or  tendency 
that  has  enabled  mankind  to  develop  the 
college  yell  from  what  was  once  only  a  feeble 
war-whoop. 


COLLECTOR  A  man  whom  few  care  to  see 
but  many  ask  to  call  again. 

COLLEGE  From  Fr.  coUe.  pasted  or  stuck,  and 
etude,  study.  A  place  where  everyone  is 
stuck  on  study.  (?) 


THE      FOOIvISH      DICTIONARY 


A  male    resident    of  Kentucky. 
See  KERNEL. 


COMPLIMENT  v.  t.,  From  Eng.  con,  —  hot  air, 
and  Lat.  pleo,  to  fill.  Hence,  to  fill  with  hot 
air. 

COMPLEXION  Color  for  the  face.  From 
Eng.  complex,  difficult,  and  shun,  to  avoid. 
To  avoid  difficulty,  buy  it  of  the  druggist. 

COMMENDATION  From  Eng.  con,  a  josh,  and 
mend,  to  fix  up.     Hence,  a  fixed-up  josh. 

CONDUCTOR  From  Eng.  coin,  and  Lat.  duco, 
to  command.     One  who  commands  the  coin. 

CONSCIENCE     The  fear  of  being  found  out. 

COOK  A  charitable  institution,  providing  food 
and  shelter  for  Policemen. 

CORPS  A  big  bunch  of  fighters.  (Dist.  bet. 
cores  found  in  apples  and  corps  found  in 
arms) . 

CORSET  From  Fr.  corps,  shape,  and  sec,  rough. 
Rough  on  the  shape. 

COSMETIC  A  new  face-maker.  From  Grk. 
kosmos,  order,  and  Eng.  medic,  or  doctor, — 
ordered  by  the    doctor.     (See  Complexion.) 


THE     FOOLISH      DICTIONARY. 

COT     A  snooze  for  one. 
COTILLON     A  dance  for  eight. 

CREDIT     Something  for  nothing. 
CREDITOR     Something  with  nothing. 

CREDULITY  A  feminine  virtue  and  a  mascu- 
line vice. 

CREMATION  A  means  of  disposing  of  the 
dead  likely  to  become  very  popular,  especially 
with  women  who  are  so  fond  of  having  the 
last  retort. 

CRITIC  A  wet  blanket  that  soaks  everything  it 
touches. 

CROOK  One  who  exceeds  the  speed  limit  in 
Law  &  Order  Ave-  A  Misfit  in  the  Straight 
and  Narrow  Way. 

CROW  A  bird  that  never  complains  without 
caws. 

CULTURE  A  degree  of  mental  development 
that  produces  tailor-made  women,  fantastic- 
ally-sheared poodles  and  dock  tailed  horses- 

CUPID     A  driver  of  sharp  darts- 
CUPIDITY     A  driver  of  sharp  deals- 

CYNIC  A  man  who  knows  the  price  of  every- 
thing and  the  value  of  nothing. 


All  work  and  no  play  makes  Jack  A  Dead  One. 


Out  of  fight,  out  of  coin.  —  The  Pugilist's  Plaint . 


i 


ABBLE    V.  t.,  To  play  in  water. 

DABBLE  IN  STOCKS  —  Same  thing. 


DACHSHUND     A  low-down  dog. 

DANCE  A  brisk,  physical  exercise,  invented  by 
St.  Vitus. 

DATES  A  fruit  commonly  plucked  from  the 
Family  Tree  and  spread  on  the  leaves  of 
history.  (Dist.  bet.  Dates  and  Peaches, 
which  are  often  associated). 

DEAD     Without  life-     See  Boston. 
DEADER     Pompeii. 
DEADEST     Philadelphia. 

DEADBEAT  One  who  makes  a  soft  living  by 
sponging  it. 

DEBT  A  big  word  beginning  w^ith  Owe,  which 
grows  bigger  the  more  it  is  contracted. 


'  <^'  ;M^5    An    Oyster    Bay   localism,  de- 
ii^^5J»      rived  from  delighted. 


(Patent  and  Dramatic  rights  to  this  word  were  formerly  the 
exclusive  property  of  T.  Roosevelt,  Esq.  Since  re-election, 
the  word  has  become  obsolete  ) 


THE      FOOLISH      DICTIONARY. 

DELEGATE  From  Eng.  dally,  to  loaf,  and 
Fr.  gate,  spoiled.     A  spoiled  loafer. 

DEMAGOGUE  From  Grk.  demos,  people,  and 
Eng.  gag.     One  who  gags  the  people- 

DEMOCRACY  A  mysterious  country,  bounded 
on  the  east  by  Richard  Olney,  on  the  west  by 
Willie  Bryan,  on  the  north  by  Dave  Hill  and 
on  the  south  by  Bennie  Pitchfork  Tillman. 

DEN     A  cavity. 

DENT     To  punch. 

DENTIST  One  who  punches  the  face  and  fills 
cavities. 

DEUCE  An  honest  card,  in  fact  the  only  one 
that  is  never  known  to  beat  tray. 


DEVIL 


An  old  rascal  mentioned  in  the 
Bible,  now  reported  engaged  to 
Mary  McLane. 


DIAMOND  A  bright  gem  the  sparkle  of  which 
sometimes  renders  a  woman  stone-blind  to 
the  defects  of  the  man  proffering  it. 

r>IARY  An  honest  autobiography.  A  good 
keepsake,  but  a  bad  give-away. 


THE      FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

DIGNITY  A  narrow,  unstable  bearing  which 
mental  spindle-shanks  try  to  stand  upon  when 
they  have  no  other  support. 

DICKENS     An  author;  polite  term  for  the  devil. 

DIE     An  effect. 

DIET     Frequently  a  cause. 

DIMPLE  A  ripple  in  the  gentle  whirlpool  of  a 
pretty  woman's  smile. 

DIPLOMAT  An  international  liar,  with  an  elas- 
tic conscience  and  a  rubber  neck. 

DISCOUNT  Something  often  sold  in  place  of 
goods. 

DISCRETION  An  instinctive  perception  that 
enables  us  to  say,  "  Oh,  shut  up  !"  to  the 
small,  weak  man,  and  "  I  beg  your  pardon, 
but  I  do  not  entirely  agree  with  your  views," 
to  the  large,  strong  one. 

DIVE     A  gambler's  retreat. 
DIVIDENDS     A  gambler's  reward. 

DIVORCE  Nominally,  separation  of  husband 
and  wife  from  the  bonds  of  matrimony-  In 
the  vicinity  of  Nev^^port  it  is  frequently  a  legal 
formula  that  immediately  precedes  a  fashion- 
able wedding. 

DOCK     A  place  for  laying  up. 
DOCTOR     One  who  lays  you  up. 


THE      FOOLISH     DICTIONARY 


DREAM  ^A^hat  a  man  may  call  a  woman,  though 
a  Pill  may  have  suggested  it.  Sweethearts 
are  dreams  because  they  seldom  come  true ; 
wives,  because  they're  often  a  night-mare j 
and  both  because  they  go  by  contraries. 

DRAFT  (DRAUGHT)  ^A^hat  gives  a  cold, 
cures  a  cold,  and  pays  the  doctor's  bill. 

DROP-STITCH  A  kind  of  feminine  hosiery 
designed  to  prevent  the  men  from  paying  too 
much  attention  to  the  open-work,  "peek-a- 
boo  "  shirt-waist. 

DRUM     Something  noisy,  and  made  to  beat. 

DRUMMER  Something  noisy,  but  impossible 
to  beat.  From  the  Grk.  drimus,  meaning 
sharp.  Hence,  something  sharp,  that  always 
carries  its  point  and  sticks  w^hoever  it  can. 

DUST     Mud  with  the  juice  squeezed  out. 

DYNAMITE 


^    X^^^  The  peroration  of  ari   anarchist's 


argument. 


DYSPEPSIA       A    good    foundation    for    a  bad 
temper 


Out  of  sight,  only  in  mind.  —  ballad  of  the  Blind 
'Beggar. 


€ 


A  word  to  the  wise  is  useless. 


^/^AGLE  The  national  bird  of  a  Christian 
'Ip'  country ;  (the  United  States.)  Presumably 
^^     chosen  on  account  of  its  being  a  bird  of  pray. 

EARL    A  title  of  nobility. 

EARLY     A    title   of    stupidity.      See   old    saw, 
"  Early  to  bed  and  early  to  rise, 
Makes  a  man  a  farmer  !  ' ' 

EARTH 

A    solid    substance,  much  de- 
sired by  the  seasick. 


ECHO     The  only  thing  that  can  cheat  a  woman 
out  of  the  last  word. 

ECONOMY     Denying  ourselves  a  necessary   to- 
day in  order  to  buy  a  luxury  to-morrow. 


^__       A  wholesome,  yet  fowl,  product, 
^  "^^      of  no   use   until  broken.     Some- 
.^^  times  a  cure  for  indigestion  or  bad 
acting. 


THK      FOOLISH      DICTIONARY. 

ELECTION 

Ii|js^  A  penodical  picnic  for  the  American 
People,  Held  in  booths,  where  the 
Voter  puts  in  his  ballot,  and  The  Ma- 
chine elects  whatever  it  chooses.  A 
day  when  the  low^liest  may  make  their 
mark  and  even  beggars  may  ride ; 
when  the  Glad  Mit  gets  promiscuous  and 
everything  is  full  —  particularly  the  lodging- 
houses. 

ENCORE  A  greedy  theatre-goers  desire  to  get 
more  than  his  money's  worth.  From  the 
Fr.  en,  among,  and  cochon,  pig,  —  common 
among  pigs. 

ENGAGEMENT  In  war,  a  battle.  In  love,  the 
salubrious  calm  that  precedes  the  real  hostil- 
ities. 

ENTHUSIAST  One  who  preaches  four  times 
as  much  as  he  belives  and  believes  four  times 
as  much  as  a  sane  man  ought  to. 

EPITAPH  A  statement  that  usually  lies  above 
about  the  one  who  lies  beneath. 

EQUATOR 

An  imaginary  line  around  the 
earth.  Recently  held  by  J.  P. 
Morgan. 

ERR     To  make  a  mistake. 
ERRATIC     Full  of  mistakes. 


T  H  R      FOOLISH      DICTIONARY. 

ETHER  One  of  the  world's  three  great  com- 
posers —  the  others  being  Gas  and  Chloro- 
form—  whose  airs  are  popular  among  the 
suffering. 

ETIQUETTE  A  convenient  code  of  conduct 
w^hich  makes  Lying  a  virtue  and  Snobbishness 
a  righteous  deed. 


EVOLUTION  A  clever  trick  performed  by  one 
Darwin,  who  made  a  monkey  of  Adam. 

EXCURSION  From  ex.  former,  and  Grk.  kairo, 
to  enjoy.  Hence,  a  tiresome  journey  — 
formerly  an  enjoyment  —  sold  at  half  price. 

EXERCISE  Bodily  exertion  requiring  a  $10,000 
gymnasium,  a  ten-acre  lot  and  impossible 
raiment.  Originally  confined  to  the  wash-tub 
and  the  wood-pile. 

EXPANSION  A  combination  of  Grand  Larceny 
and  Piracy,  involving  the  destruction  of  the 
Constitution  and  Declaration  of  Independence. 
—  Boston. 

The  benevolent  assimilation  of  previously 
oppressed  peoples  —  Washington,  B.C. 

A  doubtful  commercial  experiment.  —  Wall 
Street. 

The  white  man's  burden.  — Kipling. 

EXPLOSION  A  good  chance  to  begin  at  the 
bottom  and  work  up. 

EXPOSITION  An  overgrown  Department  Store, 
usuallv  opened  a  year  or  two  behind  time. 


It's  never  too  late  to  spendo 


3 


A  bird  on  the  plate  is  worth  two  on  the  bonnet. 


J 


ACE  A  fertile,  op  in  expanse,  lying  mid- 
^vay  between  collar  button  and  scalp,  and 
full  of  cheek,  chin  and  chatter.  The  crop 
of  the  male  face  is  hair,  harvested  daily  by  a 
lather,  or  allowed  to  run  to  mutton-chops, 
spinach  or  full  lace  curtains.  The  female  face 
product  is  powder,  whence  the  expression, 
"  Shoot  off  your  face."  Each  is  supplied 
with  lamps,  snufflers  and  bread  boxes. 

FAILURE  The  quickest  method  known  for 
making  money. 

FEINT     A  pugilist's  bluff. 
FAINT     A  woman's  bluff. 

FAITH  A  mental  accomplishment  whereby  an 
ear-ache  becomes  a  Symphony  Concert,  a 
broken  finger  a  diamond  ring  and  a  "  touch  " 
an  invitation  to  dine. 


FAKE     A  false  report. 
FAKIR     A  false  reporter 


THE      FOOLISH      DICTIONARY. 

FAME     Having   a  brand   of  cigars  named   after 
you. 

FAMILY 

Originally  a  wife  and  several 
children,  a  matter  of  pride  to  the 
possessor.  Now  obsolete  among 
the  careful,  or  confined  to  the 
wife,  a  bull  pup  and  a  canary  bird. 

FARE.     The  cost    of  a  ride.      See    old  adage, 
"  Only  the  brave  can  work  their  fare." 

FAULT     About  the  only  thing  that  is  often  found 
where  it  does  not  exist. 


FICTION.     The  Constitutional  fiat  that  "all  men 
are  created  equal." 


FIDDLER       A  violinist  before  he  becomes  the 
virtuoso  who  refuses  to  play  a  real  tune. 

FIRMNESS    That  admirable  quality  in  ourselves 
that  is  detestable  stubbornness  in  others. 


FIG     Nothing.  Note,  "  I  don't  care  a  fig,"  etc. 

FIG  LEAF  A  small  outer  garment,  next  to 
nothing,  worn  by  Adam  4000  B.  C.  and  occa- 
sionally revived  by  Bostonian  Art  Com- 
mittees. 


FISHING  An  heroic  treatment  tried  by  some 
laymen  to  avoid  falling  asleep  in  church  on 
Sunday. 


THE      FOOLISH      DICTIONARY. 

FLAT  A  series  of  padded  cells,  commonly  found 
in  cities,  in  which  are  confined  harmless 
monomaniacs  who  imagine  Home  to  be  a 
Sardine  Box. 

FLATTERY  Cologne  water,  to  be  smelled  of 
but  not  swallowed. 

FLUE     An  escape  for  hot  air. 
FLUENCY     The  art  of  releasing  the  same. 


FLUSH  From  Grk.  phlox,  heat.  A  rush  of  color 
to  the  cheek,  or  hand,  caused  by  bodily  —  or 
poker  —  heat. 

FLY  A  familiar  summer  boarder  who  mingles 
with  the  cream  of  society,  gets  stuck  on  the 
butter  and  leaves  his  specs  behind. 

FLY-SCREEN  An  arrangement  for  keeping  flies 
in  the  house. 


FOOT      The  understanding   of  a  girl   from   the 
west. 

FOOT-PATH     Chicago,  111. 


FOOTBALL  A  clever  subterfuge  for  carrying  on 
prize-fights  under  the  guise  of  a  reputable 
game. 


THK      FOOI.ISH     DICTIONARY 


FOREIGNER 

USD 


One  who  is  eligible  to  the 
police  force.  From  Grk. 
fero,  to  carry  off;,  and  enara, 
spoils.  One  who  carries  on 
the  spoils. 


FORBEARANCE  The  spirit  of  toleration  shown 
w^hen  a  man  who  knows,  patiently  listens  to 
a  fool  who  does  not. 

FRANC     Twenty  cents,  in  French. 

FRANKFURTERS  Four  for  twenty,  in  German. 
Derived  from  frank,  open,  and  fortitude, 
meaning  brave.  Sold  in  the  open  and  eaten 
by  the  brave. 

FROST  An  old  flame  after  the  engagement  is 
broken  off. 


FUN     Joy. 

FUNCTION     Devoid  of  joy. 


As  ye  sew,  so  shall  ye  rip. 


($ 


Money  makes  the  mayor  go. —  Proverbs  0/  Politics, 


(^ 


ALLON     From  the  Fr.  galonner,  to  make 
tight.     Note,  one  is  sufficient. 


GALLANTRY  This  word  is  now  almost 
obsolete.  It  w^as  formerly  employed  to  ex- 
press a  deferential  attention  on  the  p-ar*  of  the 
man  who  in  a  crowded  car  gave  up  his  seat 
to  the  ladies. 

GAMBLER  From  the  G'-k.  gitmnos,  stripped 
to  the  skin.  And  the  gambler's  the  one  that 
does  it. 

GARDEN  From  the  Fr.  garantir,  to  make 
good.  Hence,  a  place  where  lovers  make 
good. 

GARLIC  From  Grk.  gar,  for,  and  Lat.  Uceor,  to 
bid.     Good  for  the  biddies. 

GEM  A  breakfast  muffln.  With  the  newly 
married,  syn.  for  "  a  precious  stone." 


THE      FOOLISH      DICTIONARY. 
GERM      A  bit  of  animal  life  living  in  water. 
GERMAN 


More   animal  life,  living  on 
beer. 


GIRAFFE      The   champion    rubber-neck  of  the 
world,  and  the  longest  thirst  on  record. 


GLOBE  An  all-round  proposition  which  has 
furnished  its  shareholders  a  living  for  several 
thousand  years,  though  its  stock  is  two-thirds 
water. 


GOAT  The  honored  founder  and  oldest  in- 
habitant of  Harlem,  N.  Y.  Elsewhere,  not 
in  good  odor. 

GOLF  An  excuse  for  carrying  unconcealed 
weapons  and  a  Scotch  breath. 

GONDOLA  A  pleasure  craft  which  plies  in 
Venice,  at  World's  Fairs  and  other  popular 
watering  places-  From  Eng.  gone,  and  Lat. 
dolor,  sadness,  or  Eng.  dollar.  Sadness  gone; 
also,  a  gone  dollar. 

GORE  Blood.  Shed  daily  in  Chicago  abattoirs 
but  never  spilled  in  French  duels. 


THE      FOOLIvSH      DICTIONARY. 

GOSSIP  Derived  either  from  the  Grk.  gups, 
vulture,  or  Fr.  gosier,  wind-pipe.  Hence,  a 
vulture  that  tears  its  prey  to  bits,  or  an 
exercise  of  the  wind-pipe  from  which  every 
victim  gets  a  blow. 


GOUT  The  undesirable  scion  of  High  Living, 
which  frequent  the  lowest  joints  and  is 
mentioned  only  in  the  Invalid's  Foot-Notes. 

GOWN  From  Lat.  gaiidium,  joy.  A  thing  of 
beauty  and  a  joy  forever  ;  if  from  Paris,  gen- 
erally an  article  of  some  ^A^orth. 

GUNPOWDER  A  black  substance  much  em- 
ployed in  marking  the  boundary  lines  of 
nations. 

GUM     A  substance  for  sticking. 

GUM-GAME  A  game  in  which  some  one  is 
stuck. 

GUTTER  A  school  in  which  we  may  study  the 
dregs  of  humanity  or  read  the  reflection  of 
the  stars. 


There's  many  a  slip  twixt  the  toe  and  the  heel. 


Where  there's  a  will  there's  a  lawsuit, 


if 


"AIR-DRESSER  A  linguist  whose  position 
in  life  enables  him  to  do  his  head-work 
\vith  his  hands. 


HAMMER  A  small,  busy  implement  carried  by 
blacksmiths,  geologists  and  Knockers  for 
breaking  iron,  rock  or  friendship. 

HAMMOCK  From  the  Lat.  hamus,  hook,  and 
Grk.  niakar,  happy.  Happiness  on  hooks. 
Also,  a  popular  contrivance  whereby  love- 
making  may  be  suspended  but  not  stopped 
during  the  picnic  season. 

HAND  A  much  desired  possession,  supplied  by 
The  Damsel  or  The  Dealer.  GLAD  HAND. 
The  beggar's  plea,  the  politician's  sceptre 
and  the  drummer's  ablest  assistant. 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 
HANDMAIDEN     A  manicure. 

HARANGUE  The  tiresome  product  of  a  tire- 
less tongue.  From  Eng.  hear,  and  Lat.  dngor^ 
pain.     Painful  to  hear. 

HARMONY  From  the  Grk.  arnumi,  strain. 
Hence,  full  of  strains. 

HASH     ? 

HATCH     To  develop  eggs. 

HATCH\VAY  Place  for  developing  eggs ;  a 
hen-coop. 

HAY-FEVER  A  heart  trouble  caused  by  falling 
in  love  with  a  grass  widow- 

HEARSE     Seen  on  the  dead. 
HEARSAY     Heard  on  the  dead. 

HEARSE  A  handsome  vehicle  in  which  the 
man  who  has  always  been  a  tail-ender  is 
finally  permitted  to  lead  the  procession. 

HEART  A  bloody  organ,  kept  in  a  trunk,  play- 
ed by  beats,  and  enjoyed  only  after  it  is  lost 
or  given  away. 

HEAVE     To  raise. 

HEAVEN     A  good  place  to  be  raised  to. 

HEDGE     A  fence. 

HEDGEHOG  One  who  hogs  the  fences.  A  Bill- 
Poster. 


THE     FOOIvIvSH     DICTIONARY. 
HELL     Poverty. 

HEREDITY  The  cause  of  all  our  faults.  From 
Fr.  here,  wretch,  and  Eng.  ditty,  song.  The 
song  of  the  wretched. 


HEROISM 


A  transferable  ticket  to  the 
Haul  of  Fame.  Once  held  by 
Hobson  and  Dewey,  now  carried 
by  Cassie  Chadwick  and 
Brother  Dowie. 


HIP      A   popular   location   for   the    retail   liquor 

business. 

HISTORY     The  evil  that  men  do. 

HIT  A  chance  for  first  place,  first  base  or  first 
blood. 

HOCK  V.  t.  To  "soak"  what  we  least  need. 
In  Germany,  they  generally  "  Hoch  the 
Kaiser." 


HOMCEOPATHY     See  Allopathy. 

HOOT  MON  !     The  Scottish  National  Hymn. 

HOP     To  skip. 
HOPPER     A  skipper. 

HOPE  A  desire  for  better  things  to  come  that 
makes  a  grass  widow  willing  to  try  it  again. 
Also,  a  draft  on  futurity,  sometimes  honored, 
but  generally  extended. 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 


HORN     A  sharp  point. 
HORNET     Still  sharper. 


HORSE-SENSE  A  degree  of  wisdom  that 
keeps  one  from  betting  on  the  races. 

HOSE    Man's  excuse  for  wetting  the  w^alk. 

HOSIERY  Woman's  excuse  for  walking  in 
the  wet. 

HOTEL  A  place  where  a  guest  often  gives  up 
good  dollars  for  poor  quarters. 

HOUSECLEANING  A  domestic  upheaval 
that  makes  it  easy  for  the  government  to 
enlist  all  the  soldiers  it  needs. 

HUG  A  roundabout  way  of  expressing  affection. 

HUMOR  An  outbreak,  either  of  skin  or  brains 
frequently  branded  as  Rash. 

HUNGER  Ability  to  eat  in  a  Night  Lunch  Cart. 

HUSBAND  The  next  thing  to  a  wife.  From 
Eng.  hussy,  woman,  and  bond,  tie.  Tied  to  a 
woman. 

HYDRANT  From  Grk.  hudros,  water,  and  Eng. 
ante,  to  give  up.  Something  that  gives  up 
water.    (A  good  synonym  for  Dipsomaniac.) 

HYPOCRITE  A  horse  dealer.  From  Grk. 
hippos,  horse,  and  krofeo,  to  beat.  One  who 
beats  you  on  a  horse  trade. 


Home  is  where  the  mortgage  ia. 


31 


Aim  at  a  chorus-girl  and  you  may   hit  a  star. 
St  age- Door  Secrets. 


3f 


CE  A  substance  frequently  associated  with 
a  tumble  in  winter,  a  tumbler  in  summer, 
and  a  skate  the  year  around. 


ICEMAN  A  cool  proposition  who  has  Axe-cess 
to  the  best  families,  makes  his  Weigh  in 
every  home  and  can  take  his  Pick  in  the 
kitchen,  if  he  leaves  his  Chips  in  the  street. 
"  How'd  You  Like  to  be  The  Iceman?" 

IDIOT  From  Eng.  idea,  and  out.  One  who  is 
just  out  of  ideas. 

IDLE     Useless. 

IDOLIZE     To  make  useless. 

IMPECUNIOUS  To  be  in  a  state  of  poverty- 
From  Eng.  in.  and  Lat.  p9CC0,  to  sin,  poverty 
being  the  greatest  of  all  sins- 

IMPERIOUS  From  Eng.  imp,  devil  and  aerial, 
airy.    Airy  as  the  devil. 


THE     FOOI^ISH     DICTIONARY. 
INCANDESCENT  LIGHT 
I    '•^\)Il^^     From  Lat.  incendo,  to  bum,  and 
Q  r  "^gic^w^jM      Eng.  cent,  meaning  money. 

^>i2s»       p^^    invention    for     burning 
money. 

INCOME  The  reliable  offspring  of  a  wise  in- 
vestment. From  Lat.  in  and  coma,  meaning 
sleep.     Money  which  works  while  you  sleep. 

INDEPENDENCE  Self  government.  Good 
enough  for  a  Cuban,  but  too  good  for  a 
Filipino. 

INDIGESTION  A  distressing  stomach  trouble 
that  is  sometimes  temporarily  relieved  by 
kicking  the  cat  or  w^hipping  the  children. 

INDIVIDUALITY  A  harmless  trait  possessed 
by  one's  self.  The  same  trait  in  others  is 
downright  idiocy. 

INDORSE  To  write  on  the  back  of;  the  best 
indorsed  man  in  town  being  the  Sandwich- 
Man. 

.INFANT     A  disturber  of  the  peace. 
INFANTRY    A  defender  of  the  peace. 

INHABITANT  A  native  of  any  village,  town  or 
city.  OLDEST  INHABITANT  The 
Champion  Liar. 

INTUITION  A  fictitious  quality  in  females  — 
really  Suspicion. 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

IRRITANT    Something  which  irritates.     COUN- 
TER IRRITANT     A  woman  shopping. 

ISLAND     A  place  where  the  bottom  of  the  sea 
sticks  up  through  the  w^ater. 

ISOLATION     From  Eng.  ice,  meaning  cold,  and 
Lat.  iolus,  alone.     Alone  in  the  a)ld. 


After  dinner  sit  a  while,  after  supper  walk  a  mile- 
And  every  meal's  a  supper  to  the  Hobo- 


J 


Lies  have  no  legs  —  That's  why  we  all  have  to 
stand  for  them. 


^I^ACK     An  instrument  requiring  a  strong  arm, 
tI      and  used  for  raising  heavy  weight-s,  or  for 
^^      pulling  off  the  boots- 

JACK-POT  An  instrument  requiring  a  strong 
hand,  and  used  for  raising  heavy  bets,  or  for 
pulling  off  the  stakes- 

JAG  From  the  Spanish  word  \figci,  meaning  a 
load  packed  on  the  outside  of  a  van-  In 
America  the  load  is  packed  on  the  inside  of  a 
man- 


JAM 


A     pantry    composition     in   A 
minor. 


JANITOR     From  jangle,  to  quarrel,  and  torrid, 
meaning  hot-     Hot  and  quarrelsome - 

JELLY- CAKE     Synonym  for  Belly- Ache. 

JERSEY     Well  knit. 

NEW   JERSEY     Well  bit-  (See  Mosquito). 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

v^,    JEW'S      HARP         From 

ff?P  Jew,  a  Hebrew,  and  Harp, 

'^'^':     a   musical   instrument,  the 

Jew's   musical    instrument 

being  a  "Sell  low!"    (Old 

spelling,  Cello). 

JIMMY  An  implement  employed  by  men  of 
acquisitive  natures  who  cannot  afford  seats  in 
the  Stock  Exchange. 

JOB  An  uncertain  commodity  regulated  by 
a  Union  Card. 

JOCKEY  From  jog,  to  move  slowly,  and  key, 
something  that  makes  fast.  Hence,  one  who 
makes  the  pace  fast  or  slow,  according  to 
instructions , 

JOINT  Either  a  low  limb  from  the  butcher,  or 
a  low  quarter  in  town ;  in  either  case  the 
lower  the  tougher. 

JOKE  A  form  of  humor  enjoyed  by  some  and 
misunderstood  by  most ;  in  England,  requir- 
ing a  diagram,  raised  letters  and  a  club. 

JOLLY     V.  t.,  To  "con"  or  "josh." 
JOLLY   BOAT     The  Ship  of  State. 

JUDGE  One  who  sits  on  a  bench  in  a  court, 
frames  sentences  and  finishes  crooks  for  a 
living,  and  swears  continually. 

JULEP  An  insidious  friend  from  the  South, 
who  hands  you  a  mint  and  gives  you  a  sweet 
spirit,  followed  shortly  by  a  Bun. 


THE      FOOIvISH      DICTIONARY. 

JURY      Twelve  men  chosen  to  decide  who  has 
the  better  lawyer. 

JUSTICE     Fair  play  ;  often  sought,  but  seldom 
discovered,  in  company  with  Law. 


A  chip   of  the   old  block  —  A   daughter  of  the 
Tenderloin. 


One  man's  meat  is  another  man's  finish  —  Canned 
Beef  in  Cuba. 


^^y^ANGAROO  A  hard  drinker  from  Australia, 
1f\  especially  fond  of  hops,  and  generally 
^^^     carrying  a  load. 

KATYDID  A  gossiping  grasshopper  who  is 
always  meddling  in  Katy's  affairs. 

KEEPSAKE  Something  given  us  by  someone 
we've  forgotten. 

KERNELS  or  COLONELS  Articles  often  found 
in  cores  (or  corps)  and  frequently  surrounded 
by  shells. 

KEROSENE 

An  alleged  provider  of  heat  and 
light.  From  Lat.  cams,  meaning 
expensive  and  seneo,  to  be  weak ; 
expensive  but  w^eak.  For  further 
explanation,  consult  Standard  Oil 
^^0M  Company. 


A  frequent  test  for  sobriety. 


KID     Either  a  boxing-glove  or  a  first-bom.     In 
either  case,  hard  to  handle  until  well  tanned. 


THE      FOOIvISH      DICTIONARY. 

KILTS  A  Scotchman's  apology  for  indecent 
exposure. 

KINDRED  From  Eng.  kin,  meaning  relation, 
and  dread,  meaning  fear;  fearful  relations. 

KINDERGARTEN  From  Ger.  hinder,  chil- 
dren, and  Lat.  garritus,  a  babbling.  A 
place  for  babbling  children. 

KINDLING-WOOD  From  Ger.  kind,  youth, 
and  Eng.  linger,  to  loaf.  A  place  where 
youth  generally  loafs. 

KISS  Nothing  divided  by  two ;  meaning  per- 
secution for  the  infant,  ecstasy  for  the 
youth,  fidelity  for  the  middle-aged  and 
homage  for  the  old. 

KISS  An  indescribable  something  that  is  of 
no  value  to  any  one,  but  is  much  prized 
by  the  right  two. 

KNOCKER  A  device  on  doors  for  rousing 
people;  also,  a  device  on  foot  for  the  same 
purpose. 


Laugh-in-one's-sleeve — The   direct   route   to  the 
Funny-Bone. 


Two  heads  are  better  than  one — particularly  on 
a  Barrel  of  Money. 


'£ 


ACE  Among  women,  lace  means  lesson  ; 
wherefore  they  combine  art  and  thrift  by- 
lessening  the  waist. 

LACONIC  Shy  on  words.  From  Eng.  lack, 
meaning  want,  and  connection ;  want  of  con- 
nection. 

LAMP     A  light. 

LAMPONED     To  be  lighted  on. 

LARD     Fat. 
LARDER     A  fattener. 

LARK  A  short,  sweet  spree  enjoyed  by  night 
hawks.  Also,  an  early  rising  singing-bird. 
(Dist.  bet.  "out  on  a  lark,"  and  "  up  with 
the  lark,"  an  impossible  combination). 

LASSIE     One  of  the  weaker  sex. 
LASSITUDE     Slightly  weaker. 

LAUD     Praise  for  the  Almighty. 
LAUDANUM     Prays  for  himself — after  taking. 

XwAUNDRY     A  place  where  clothes  are  mangled. 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

LAUGH  A  peculiar  contortion  of  the  human 
countenance,  voluntary  or  involuntary,  super- 
induced by  a  concatenation  of  external  cir- 
cumstances, seen  or  heard,  of  a  ridiculous, 
ludicrous*  jocose,  mirthful,  funny,  facetious 
or  fanciful  nature  and  accompanied  by  a 
cackle,  chuckle,  chortle,  cachinnation,  giggle 
gurgle,  guffaw  or  roar. 

LA^WER  One  who  defends  your  estate  against 
an  enemy,  in  order  to  appropriate  it  to  him- 
self. 

LECTURE  An  entertainment  at  which  it  costs 
but  little  to  look  intelligent. 

LEGISLATURE 

From  Lat.  lego,  to  bring  together, 
and  latro,  to  bark  or  bluster ;  pos- 
sibly from  lex,  law,  and  latens,  un- 
known. Hence,  a  company  of  men 
(brought  together  to  bluster,  or  a 
company  of  law  makers  who  know 
nothing  about  law. 

LEISURE  From  'E.ng.,l(iiy.  and  sure  ;  assured 
laziness. 

LENT  A  Church  fast  that  is  slow  to  go;  or 
something  loaned  which  is  slow  to  come  back. 

LIE  A  very  poor  substitute  for  the  truth  but  the 
only  one  discovered  up  to  date. 

LIMBURGER  A  native  of  Germany  strong 
enough  to  do  housework ;  well  recommend- 
ed for  cleaning  out  the  dining-room. 


THE      FOOLISH      DICTIONARY. 

LIBRARY  From  Fr.  Ubre,  meaning  free,  and 
proper  name  ANDY.  Something  free  from 
Andy  Carnegie. 

LINKS  Found  in  sausages  and  golf  courses,  and 
both  full  of  hazards. 

LION  A  cruel  beast  who  never  patronizes  the 
barber  and  is  always  bearded  in  his  den,  yet 
w^ill  furnish  a  close  shave  if  you  get  near 
enough. 

LOBSTER 

The  edible  lobster   is    found    off  the 
^\    New  England  Coast.    The  two-legged 
ii^l!-.^  species    is    found    everywhere.       All 
^'^  kinds  are  green,  but  when  roasted  turn 
^^a  bright  red.     Soubrettes  are  very  de- 
pendent on  both  varieties  for  a  living  ; 
together  they  furnish  her  with  food, 
raiment,    fiats,    diamonds,  and    occasionally  indi- 
gestion. 

LOBSTER-NEWBURG  A  dish  ordered  at 
hotels  by  those  who  usually  get  beans  at 
home. 

LOVE  A  man's  insane  desire  to  become  a 
woman's  meal-ticket. 

LOVER  An  ardent  admirer  who  says,  "  Yes, 
dearest,  I  will  shovel  the  snow  of  the  lake 
so  that  we  can  go  skating  !"  and,  after  marriage 
remarks,  "  What !  Shovel  the  snow  off  the 
walk  for  you?  Well,  I  should  say  not!  I'm  no 
chore  boy." 


Hell  is  paved  with  good  intentions — also  asbestos. 


M 


A  fool  and  his  wife  are  soon  parted. 
See  Alimony. 


m 


AGAZINE      A   receptacle   for  explosives, 
literary   or  mechanical. 


MAGNATE  One  who  can  float  capital  in  a  con- 
siderable body  of  water.  From  Lat.  magnus, 
great,  and  nator;  to  swim;  a  great  swimmer. 

MAIDEN  LADY  A  term  applied  to  an  old  maid 
by  those  who  wish  to  avoid  hurting  her 
feelings. 

MALT  A  humble  grain  which  often  gets  into  a 
ferment,  cools  off  and  becomes  Stout  in  its 
old  age. 

MAN  Something  that  "  Goes  first  on  four  feet, 
then  two  feet,  then  three,  but  the  more  feet 
it  goes  on  the  weaker  it  be  !" 

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN  One  who  is  on  speaking 
terms  with  the  head  waiter. 

MANICURE  The  only  woman  who  can  beat  a 
carpenter  at  soaking  nails. 

MANNERS  A  difficult  symphony  in  the  key  of 
B  natural. 

MARK  In  Germany,  twenty-three  cents.  In 
the  United  States,  only  Twain. 

MASCULINE  From  Grk.  tnaskos,  girl,  and 
eukolos,  easy.     Easy  for  the  girls. 

MASSAGE    A  touch,  with  intent  to  rub  it  in. 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

MATRIMONY  A  game  for  women,  in  which 
the  unmarried  half  are  trying  to  find  a  husband 
and  the  married  half  trying  not  to  be  found 
out  by  one.  Both  halves  are  eminently  suc- 
cessful. 

MEAL  According  to  the  Liquor  Law,  a  minute 
bunch  of  crumbs  entirely  surrounded  by 
booze. 

MEDIUM  A  party  with  one  ear  in  the  grave 
but  both  hands  on  your  wallet.  "  Hello, 
Central !  Give  me  Heaven  !" 

MELODEON  An  alleged  musical  instrument, 
popular  at  home,  but  unpopular  next  door. 
From  Eng.  melody,  and  Latin,  un,  without. 
Warranted  without  melody. 

MENAGERIE  From  Fr.  melange,  mixture,  and 
Ger.  riechen,  to  smell.     A  mixture  of  smells. 

MESSENGER  BOY  From  Eng.  miss,  to  fail, 
and  Lat.  engeo,  to  arrive.  One  who  fails  to 
arrive. 

METER  The  gas  man's  trysting  place.  "  Meet 
her  in  the  cellar  !" 

MIND     No  matter.     MATTER     Never  mind. 

MINE     A  hole  in  the  ground  owned  by  a  liar. 

MINSTREL  A  footlight  foul  that  makes  its 
nightly  lay  in  every  city. 

MIRACLE     A  woman  who  won't  talk. 


THE     F  OOIvTvSH     DICTIONARY. 

MIST     Generally,  a  small,  light  rain.     SCOTCH 
MIST      A  cloudburst. 


MITTEN  Something  a  tender-hearted  girl  gives 
a  young  man  when  she  knows  she  is  going  to 
make  it  chilly  for  him. 

MONEY     Society's  vindication  of  vulgarity 

MONOPOLY  A  modern  device  for  impoverish- 
ing others.  From  Grk.  monux,  swift-footed, 
and  polloi,  the  people.  A  swift  kick  for  the 
people. 

MOON  The  only  lighting  monopoly  that  never 
made  money. 

MORTGAGE  From  Fr.  mort,  death,  and  Eng. 
gag,  to  choke.  A  lawyer's  invention  for 
choking  property  to  death. 

MOSQUITO  A  small  insect  designed  by  God  to 
make  us  think  better  of  flies. 

MOTH  An  unfortunate  acquaintance  who  is  al- 
ways in  the  hole.  And  the  only  ones  who  try 
to  get  him  out  are  his  enemies. 


MOUSE 


^3     The  frequent   cause    of  a  rise   in 
cotton. 


All   gone   to    6's   and   7*s — Ladies*    Footwear  in 
Chicago. 


Time  and  tide  wait  for  no  man — But  time  always 
stands  still  for  a  woman  of  thirty. 


^^ATURE     The  author  of  "The  Seasons,"  an 

4-X^      interesting     work      over     which     Spring 

^  ^      pours,  Summer  smiles,  and  Autumn  turns 

the  leaves  while  Winter  catches  the  drift  of 

it  all.      

NECK  A  close  connection  between  chin  and 
chest,  used  for  the  display  of  linen,  silk,  furs, 
jewelry  and  skin,  fitted  with  gullet,  windpipe, 
hunger  and  thirst,  and  devoted  to  the  rubber 
industry. 

NEGRO  One  who  votes  your  way.  NIGGER 
One  who  doesn'^t. 

NEIGHBOR  One  who  knows  more  about  your 
affairs  than  yourself. 

NERVE 

-^^^  ^"'^'iJI    Breaking     the     hair-brush    on    the 

disobedient  scion,  then  making  him 
pay   for   a   new   one-     See   revised 
version,    "Spare   the  rod  and  spoil 
Ei  the  hair- brush  !" 


THE      FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

"  NEXT  "  The  barberous  password  to  the 
heaven  of  the  shaved  and  the  unshaved. 

NIP  Something  bracing  from  without  or  within 
When  felt  in  the  air,  it's  a  frost.  When 
found  in  a  glass,  a  life  saver. 

NOBILITY  A  gang  of  foreign  brigands  having 
abducent  designs  on  the  American  Damsel 
and  the  American  Dollar. 

NON-CONDUCTOR     The  motorman. 

NOSE  A  prominent  member  of  the  face  family, 
usually  a  Greek  or  Roman,  who  owns  the 
shortest  bridge  in  the  world.  He  is  often 
stuck  up  in  company,  but  frequently  blows 
himself  when  he  has  his  grippe.  Principal 
occupations,  sniffling,  snivelling,  sneezing, 
snorting  and  scenting,  intruding  in  the  neigh- 
bors' affairs,  stuffing  himself  without  per- 
mission and  bleeding  for  others. 

NOTE  (PROMISSORY)  "The  substance  of 
things  long  hoped  for,  the  evidence  of  things 
not  seen." 

NOVEL  A  fabric  that  is  often  (k)nit  in  print, 
though  the  yarn  be  well  spun. 

NURSE 


One   who   keeps    setting    up   the 
drinks  after  you're  all  in. 


Out  of  the    frying-pan   into  the    face  —  Mothers' 
doughnuts- 


(§ 


Many  hands  make  light  work  —  also^a  good  Jack- 
pot. 


® 


AR 


A   popular  device  for  catch- 
ing crabs. 


OATS     England's  horse-feed,  America's   break- 
fast and  Scotland's  table-d'hote. 

OATH     A  form  of  speech  that  has  many  trials  in 
court,  but  is  never  tried  in  Sunday  School. 


OBESITY 


A  surplus  gone  to  waist. 


THE      FOOIvISH     DICI'IONARY. 


OCEAN  An  old  toper  who  is  always  soaked, 
has  many  a  hard  night  along  the  coast,  floats 
fnany  a  schooner,  lashes  himself  into  a  fury 
because  so  frequently  crossed,  and  has  his 
barks  in  every  port.  At  sea,  the  king  of  the 
elements  ;  on  shore,  a  mere  surf. 

OLEOMARGARINE  The  White  Bread's 
Burden.  From  Eng.  olio,  a  mixture,  and  Grk. 
margino,  to  be  furious.    A  furious  mixture. 


OMNIBUS  A  test  for  Patience,  still  popular  in 
England.  From  Grk.  oneiros,  dream,  and 
haino,  to  go  or  move.     A  dream  of  motion. 


■ONION  The  all-round  strength  champion  of  the 
Vegetable  Kingdom,  garlic  and  cabbage  being 
close  rivals. 


OPERA  A  drama  that  has  taken  on  airs  and 
refuses  to  speak,  yet  always  sings  its  own 
praises.  GRAND  OPERA  An  excuse  for 
displaying  several  boxes  of  jewelry  and 
peaches  with  pedigrees. 

OPINION  The  prodigal  son  of  Thought.  PUB- 
LIC OPINION  The  world's  champion 
pugilist,  who  has  knocked  out  Law  in  many  a 
hard  fought  bout. 

OPIUM    The  real  author  of  "  The  Dream  Book." 


OPTIMISM  A  cheerful  frame  of  mind  that  en- 
ables a  tea-kettle  to  sing  though  in  hot  water 
up  to  its  nose- 

ORCHARD  The  small  boy's  Eden  of  today,  in 
which  the  apple  again  occasions  the  fall. 


THE      F  O  O  Iv  I  vS  II      DICTIONARY. 

OSTRICH  The  largest  and  heaviest  bird  on 
earth,  yet  rated  by  his  owners  only  as 
a  featherweight. 

OUTSKIRTS  The  only  garments  which  clothe 
many  a  metropolis  with  decency. 

OVEN  The  only  sport  who  enjoys  an  equally 
hot  time  with  or  without  the  dough. 


Handsome  is  what  hansoms  charge. 


Soap,  long  deferred,  maketh  the  dirt  stick. 


p 


AIN     A   sensation  experienced  on   receiving 
a  Punch,  particularly  the  London  one. 


PALMISTRY      A   plausible    excuse    for  holding 
hands. 

PANTS     Trousers*  Country  Cousins. 


PARACHUTE 


A  successful  method  for  getting  the  drop 
on  the  Earth. 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

PARAGON  The  model  man  a  woman  regrets 
she  gave  up  for  the  one  she  mistakenly 
married. 

PARENTS  One  of  the  hardships  of  a  minor's 
life. 


PASS  A  form  of  transportation  issued  free  to 
those  who  are  quite  able  to  pay. 

PASSENGER  One  who  does  not  travel  on  a 
pass.  (Antonym  for  Deadhead).  From  Eng. 
pass,  to  go,  and  Grk.  endidomi,  to  give  up. 
One  who  has  to  give  up  to  go. 

PARROT  An  individual  who  can  never  be 
held  responsible  for  what  he  says. 

PASTRY  A  deadly  weapon  carried  by  cafes, 
cooks  and  newly  married  housekeepers. 

PATRIOT  One  who  is  willing  to  take  all  of 
Uncle  Sam's  bonds  in  a  lump. 


PAWN 


^'       If    V.  t.,     To  keep  property  in  the 
_        family   by  leaving   it    all    with 
your  Uncle. 


PAWNBROKER     A  mercenary    man  to  whom 
money  is  the  one  redeeming  quality. 

PEACE       A    mythical   condition   of  tranquillity 
frequently  reported  from  the  Phillipines. 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

PEACH  A  popular  synonym  for  Fair  Woman, 
probably  because  the  peach  is  largely  a  skin 
and  stony  at  heart. 

PEARL  A  small  round  product  manufactured  by 
an  oyster,  bought  by  a  lobster  and  worn  by  a 
butterfly. 

PENITENT  From  pen,  meaning  to  write,  and 
intent,  meaning  determination.  One  who  de- 
termines for  the  right. 

PESSIMIST  One  who  paints  things  blue.  And 
sometimes  red. 


PHILISTINE  In  Bible  times,  one  who  worried 
the  children  of  Israel ;  today,  one  who  worries 
only  himself.  From  Grk.  phloios,  bark,  and 
tino,  to  punish.     One  who  barks  to  punish. 


PHILANTHROPIST  One  who  returns  to  the 
people  publicly  a  small  percentage  of  the 
wealth  he  steals  from  them  privately. 


PHILOSPHER  One  who  instead  of  crying  over 
spilt  milk  consoles  himself  with  the  thought 
that  it  was  over  four-fifths  water. 

PHILOSOPHY  Something  that  enables  the 
rich  to  say  there  is  no  disgrace  in  being  poor. 

PIANO  A  tool  frequently  used  in  building  a 
Rough  House. 

PIN  The  best  dresser  in  a  woman's  acquaintance 
—  of  remarkable  penetration  and  true  as  steel, 
seldom  loses  its  head,  follows  its  own  bent 
and  carries  its  point  in  whatever  it  undertakes. 


THE      FOOIvISH      DICTIONARY. 

PING-PONG  A  game  invented  for  the  benefit 
of  furniture  and  crockery  dealers. 

PITY  An  emotion  awakened  in  a  man's  mind 
when  he  beholds  the  children  of  a  w^oman 
who  might  have  married  him  instead. 

PLATONIC  LOVE  An  arrangement  in  which 
a  man  and  woman  attempt  a  correct  imitation 
of  a  pair  of  icicles  —  and  never  succeed. 

PLENTY  A  desirable  condition  that  is  likely  to 
step  out  whenever  Extravagance  steps  in. 

PLUM  A  fruit  that  ripens  and  falls  from  the 
Political  Tree  — but  only  after  careful  grafting. 

PLUMB     To  ascertain  the  capacity  of. 

PLUMBER  One  who  ascertains  the  capacity  of 
your  purse,  soaks  you  with  a  piece  of  lead  and 
gets  away  with  the  money  —  a  process  vul- 
garly known  as  "a  lead-pipe  cinch." 

POLE-CAT  A  small  animal  to  be  killed  with  a 
pole,  the  longer  the  pole  the  better. 

POLICEMAN 

n  7^<  A  never  present  help  in  time  of 
trouble. 


POLYGAMY      A  thoughtless  way  of  increasing 
the  family  expenses. 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

POLYGLOT  A  parrot  that  can  swear  in  several 
languages. 

POSTSCRIPT  The  only  thing  readable  in  a 
woman's  letter. 

PRETZEL     The  bar-keeper's  promoter. 

PROTECTION  Originally,  the  swaddling  clothes 
of  the  infant,  Industry;  now,  merely  the  shoe- 
lacings  for  the  giant.  Monopoly. 

PRO  and  CON  Prefixes  of  opposite  meaning. 
For  example.  Progress  and  Congress. 

PRUDE     A  native  of  Boston. 

PRUDENCE  A  quality  of  mind  that  restrains 
the  wise  boarder  from  trying  to  find  out  how 
his  landlady  makes  her  hash. 

PRUDERY  A  quality  that  displays  a  lack  of 
modesty  as  a  wig  does  a  loss  of  hair. 

PRUNE  A  plum  that  has  seen  better  days  :  the 
boarding-house  veteran  and  the  landlady's 
pet  ;  badly  wrinkled,  yet  well  preserved. 

PUGILIST  A  close-fisted  party  who  is  often 
roped  in  but  never  gives  up  till  he's  out. 

PULLMAN  PORTER     A  legalized  train-robber. 


PUNCH     A  weekly  obituary  notice  from  London, 
chronicling  the  death  of  Humor. 


Never  make  a  mountain  out  of  a  mole-hill  —  Try 
gold,  silver,  copper  or  radium  —  there's 
more  in  it. 


Charity   begins    at   home  —  but   ends   when   you 
reach  The  Cook. 


f 


UACK     The  Duck  family's  favorite  physi- 
cian. 


QUAIL 

iMilrdlll     JC^  ll  V.  t. ,  To  shrink  —  a  characteristic 

of  the   bird   when   ordered  in   a 

restaurant. 

QUEEN     One  entitled  to  rule  a  nation,  make  up 
a  deck,  or  beat  a  knave- 

QUESTION     Is  marriage  a  failure  ? 

QUEUE     The    only   Mongolian   line    connecting 
America  and  China. 


QUORUM      A    clumsy   individual,  all  Ayes  and 
Noes,  who  is  seldom  on  hand  when  needed. 


Faint  heart    never  won  fair  lady  —  but  a  full  purse 
can  always  pull  the  trick. 


1 


Man  proposes,  then  woman  imposes. 


^5rt  ABBIT  A  small  rodent,  very  similar  to  a 
^f\  hare,  which  feeds  on  grass  and  burrows  in 
'^^the  earth.     WELSH  RABBIT  More  like  a 

string,  thrives  on  cheese   and  burrows  in  the 

stomach. 

RACE-TRACK  An  interesting  locality,  where 
pools  are  bought  and  sold  in  books  and  the 
heat  never  interferes  with  the  search  for  the 
Pole. 

RADIUM  A  radiant  radiator,  redolent  of  ranging 
radial  rays  of  radio-activity,  raised  to  radical 
rates  and  regarded  as  a  ruthless  rake-off  in  the 
reign  of  riches  within  the  arrayed  radius 
of  a  raging,  raving  and  raided  race. 

RAG-TIME  Music  pulled  into  many  pieces  — 
the  invention  of  a  flannel-mouth  to  which 
many  have  cottoned. 

RAPID  TRANSIT  A  municipal  myth,  circulat- 
ed for  the  amusement  of  the  long  suffering 
—  and  slow  moving  —  public- 


THE     FOOLISH      DICTIONARY 

REFORM  In  general,  a  periodic  epidemic, 
starting  with  marked  heat,  followed  by  a  high 
fever,  and  accompanied  by  a  flow^  of  ink  in 
the  newspapers,  a  discharge  of  words  from 
the  face  and  a  rush  of  blood  to  the  polls, 
leaving  the  victim  a  chronic  invalid  until  the 
next  campaign.  In  New  York,  reform  has 
been  confined  to  a  Low  attempt  at  govern- 
ment. 

REFORMER  One  who,  when  he  smells  a  rat. 
is  eager  to  let  the  cat  out  of  the  bag. 

REGISTER 


The  only  autograph  album  which 
it  costs  you  money  to  ^vrite  in. 


REGRETS  An  excuse  for  non-attendance  at  a 
social  function.  Occasionally,  an  expression 
of  sorrow  ;  usually,  a  paean  of  praise  at  de- 
liverance from  evil. 


RELATIONS  A  tedious  pack  of  people  who 
haven't  the  remotest  knowledge  of  how  to 
live  nor  the  smallest  instinct  about  when  to 
die. 


RELIGION  A  cloak  used  by  some  persons  in 
this  world  who  will  be  warm  enough  with- 
out one  in  the  next. 


R.    E.   MORSE      A   veteran  General  who  com- 
mands the  largest  army  in  the  world. 


THE     FOOLISH      DICTIONARY. 

REPARTEE     The  sassy  habit  of  talking  back. 

REPUTATION  A  personal  possession,  frequent- 
ly not  discovered  until  lost. 

RESIDENCE  A  rural  locality  inhabited  annually 
—  for  a  few  hours  —  by  a  rich  New  Yorker 
or  Bostonian. 

RESOLUTION  A  fragile  bit  of  crockery  fashion- 
ed on  the  first  day  of  January  and  usually 
broken  on  the  second- 

RESORT  (SUMMER)  A  place  where  the  tired 
grow  more  tired.  From  Eng.  rest^  and  Grk, 
ori^o,  to  limit.     A  place  where  rest  is  limited. 

REST  A  trade  in  which  every  hobo  holds  a  Union 
Card  for  life. 

RESTAURANT  An  institution  for  the  spread 
of  dyspepsia.  From  Lat-  restauro,  to  repair, 
and  Grk.  anti,  against.  After  patronizing, 
you're  "up  against  repairs." 

RHETORIC     Language  in  a  dress  suit. 

RICE  An  effective  field-piece,  used  for  assault- 
ing Chinamen  or  the  newly-married. 

ROQUEFORT  A  kind  of  cheese  whose  odor 
puts  it  easily  in  the  first  rank. 

ROYCROFTER  A  successful  book-maker  on 
the  East  Aurora  turf.  From  Fr.  roi,  king, 
and  old  Saxon  crofter,  or  grafter.  King  of 
Grafters. 


THE     FOOIvISH      DICTIONARY. 


RUMOR  The  long-di-tance  champion  of  the 
Human  Race  —  a  monster  with  more  tales 
than  an  octopus. 

RUST     Physical  dullness. 
RUSTIC    Mental  dullness. 


Beggars  should  never  be  choosers  —  though  the 
beggar  often  chews  what  he  begs. 


A  miss  is  as  good  as  her  smile. 


ADDUCEE  A  person  holding  skeptical 
religous  views.  Hopeless,  hence  sad  you 
see. 


SAILOR     A  man  who  makes  his  living  on  watel 
but  never  touches  it  on  shore. 

SANDWICH      An  unsuccessful  attempt  to  make 
both  ends  meat. 

SAUSAGE     An  aftermath  of  the  dog-days. 

SCAFFOLD    A  work  of  art  that  rarely   fails  to 
get  a  hanging. 

SCARECROW         An  operator    who  repeatedly 
corners  corn,  without  caws. 

SCORCHER     A   chauffeur  in  an   all-fired  hurry. 


SCULPTOR        A   poor    unfortunate   who  makes 
faces  and  busts. 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

SELF-MADE      Complimentary   term    for   a  re- 
spectable crook. 


SHAMROCK  A  three-time  loser  as  a  racer  at 
sea,  but  a  four-time  winner  as  an  "  ad."  for 
tea  —  and  Sir  T. 


SHEPHERD     One  who  depends  on  a  crook  for 
a  living. 

SHIRT     Every  man's  bosom  friend- 


SILVER     A  metallic  form  of  opium,  smoked  by 
Presidential  impossibilities. 

SINNER     A  stupid  person  who  gets  found  out. 

SNAP     A  brisk,  energetic  quality  that  enables  a 
man  with  ginger  to  take  the  cake. 

SNORE        An    unfavorable    report    from    head- 
quarters. 


SOROSIS  A  female  gas  company  that  lays  its 
pipes  on  cultivated  grounds. 

SPAGHETTI  A  table-dish  eaten  only  by  Italians 
and  jugglers.  From  Lat-  Spadix,  branch,  or 
fork,  and  ge stamen,  burden.  A  burden  for  the 
fork. 


SPIDER     A  busy  weaver  and  a  good  correspon- 
dent, who  drops  a  line  by  every  post. 

STARS    The  greatest  astronomers  known,  having 
studded  the  heavens  for  ages. 

STAYS     A  sort    of   straight-jacket  employed  in 
reforming  women. 


THE      FOOIylSH     DICTIONARY. 

STOCKINGS  Woman's  only  savings  for  A 
Rainy  Day. 

STOCKS  An  unreliable  commodity  bought  and 
sold  by  gamblers.  If  you  win,  it's  an  invest- 
ment ;  if  you  lose,  a  speculation. 

STOVE-PIPE 


3C4" 


?  A  movable     cylinder  used  as    a    re- 
cepatcle  for  smoke  and  profanity. 


SPRING  Formerly  a  very  delightful  season  but 
now  obsolete  except  in  poetry  and  the  Old 
Farmer's  Almanac. 


SPINSTER     An  ember  from  which  the  sparks 
have  flown. 


SUBWAY  In  Boston,  a  place  where  one  may 
enjoy  continuous  disturbance  of  the  peace, 
disorderly  conduct,  assault  and  battery,  riot 
and  rebellion.  These  events  are  allowed  by 
law,  and  the  entry-fee  is  five  cents. 

SUCCESS  A  goal  usually  reached  by  those 
who  employ  their  time  in  cultivating  a  more 
definite  aim  in  life  rather  than  in  searching 
for  a  larger  target. 

SUMMER  An  oppressive  and  expensive  season 
invented  by  rural  cottage  and  hotel  owners, 
railroad  and  steamboat  companies  and  the 
Iceman. 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

SUN  A  yellow  arrival  from  Way  Down  East, 
who  goes  west  daily,  operates  a  heating  and 
lighting  trust,  draws  water,  prints  pictures, 
developes  crops,  liquidates  the  ice  business 
and  tans  skins  on  the  side-  Profits  by  his 
daily  rays  and  always  has  a  shine. 

SYMPATHY 


^  Feeling  for  others ;  very  noticeable  in 
Blind  Man's  Buff. 


SYNDICATE       A     conspiracy  to    extend     the 
modest  business  established  by  Captain  Kidd. 


Fortune  knocks  only  once  at  a  man's  door  —  And 
she's  the  worst  Knocker  in  the  world. 


m 


Brevity  is  the  soul  of  wit  —  and  the  sole  charm  of 
of  a  bicycle  skirt. 


AILOR  One  who  takes  your  measure  on 
first  sight,  gives  you  a  fit,  sews  you  up  and 
follows  suit  until  paid. 


TALK  A  continuous  performance  playing  daily 
and  nightly  engagements,  with  Woman  as 
the  star  and  Man  confined  in  the  Family 
Circle. 


TELEGRAM 


A   form  of  correspondence   sent   by  a 

man  in  a  hurry  and  carried  by  a  boy  in 

sleep. 


TELEPHONE  From  Eng.  tell,  to  talk,  and  Grk. 
phonos,  murder.  A  machine  in  which  talk  is 
murdered. 


THE     FOOLISH      DICTIONARY. 

TENNIS  A  game  in  which  the  participants 
enjoy  a  racket  on  the  side  and  raise  the  deuce 
over  a  net,  while  the  volleys  drive  them  from 
set  to  set  and  love  scores  as  often  as  it's 
mentioned. 

TEMPER  A  quality,  the  loss  of  which  is  likely 
to  make  a  knife  blade  dull  and  a  woman's 
tongue  sharp. 


THERMOMETER 


A  short,  glass  tube  that  regulates  the 

weather  —  and  usually  does  a  poor 

job. 


THIRST        A    sensation   immediately   following 
a  short  session  at  the  free  lunch  stand. 


TIDE  An  old  friend  who  comes  and  goes  daily 
but  is  all  in  whenever  he  gets  over  the  bay. 

TITIAN  The  color  a  poor  red-headed  girl's  hair 
becomes  as  soon  as  her  father  strikes  oil. 

TIPS  Wages  we  pay  other  people's  hired 
help. 

TOBACCO  A  nauseating  plant  that  is  consumed 
by  but  two  creatures;  a  large,  green  worm 
and  —  man.  The  worm  doesn't  know  any 
better. 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

TONGUE  An  unruly  member  that  is  frequently 
put  out,  yet  an  artist  who's  a  hard  worker  at 
the  palate  and  a  great  wag  among  women. 

TOUCH  A  habit  common  to  the  impecunious, 
causing  in  its  victim  a  feeling  of  faintness, 
followed  by  a  chill  or  a  sense  of  loss- 

TRANSFER  A  small  bit  of  paper  of  remarkable 
strength,  being  able  to  carry  a  heavy  man 
several  miles. 

TROLLEY-CAR  A  conveyance  filled  with  adver- 
tisements, and  occasionally  passengers,  and 
operated  by  Poles. 


TROUBLE     Something   that  many  are   looking 
for  but  no  one  wants. 

TRUST     A  small  body   of  capital   entirely  sur- 
rounded by  water, 

TWINS     Insult  added  to  Injury. 

TWISTERS 


An  undesirable   thmg  to    have   on 
hand- 


It  s  a  wise  son  who  can  get  two  birds  with  One 
Bone. 


1  1 


There  is  a  tide  in  the  affairs  of  men,  which,  taken 
at  the  flood,  leads  on  to  Fortune — But  most 
of  us  catch  our  watered  stock  on  the  ebb. 


1 


MBRELLA  A  good  thing  to  put  up  in 
a  shower — or  pawn-shop ;  but,  like  skating, 
never  seen  after  Lent. 


UNBOSOMED 


A   shirt  just  returned  from  a  steam 
laundry. 


UNION     An  ailing  individual  frequently  troubled 
by  scabs  and  liable  to  strike  without  warning. 

UMPIRE     No  jeweler,  but  a  high  authority  on 
diamonds. 


USHER      One   who   takes   a  leading  part   in   a 
theatre. 


u 


ACCIN  ATION    Where  "jabbing  the  needle' ' 
is  never  a  vice- 


VAUDEVILLE  From  Lat-  vaut,  good  for,  and 
villageois,  countryman.  Good  for  country- 
men. 


VERANDA 


^viifn 


f  'M 


An  open  air  enclosure  often  used 
as  a  spoon-holder. 


rru^ 


VEST     A  waistcoat  sold  at  halfprice. 


VIRTUE     A  quality  oftentimes  associated   with 
intelligence,  but  rarely  with  beauty. 


VULGARITY     The  conduct  of  others. 


A   rolling    stone   gathers    no    moss  —  except   at 
roulette. 


m 


But  a  stony  roll  always  gathers  the  stony  staie. 


m 


'AITER     An  Inn- experienced  servant. 


WAR  A  wholesale  means  of  making  heroes 
which,  if  planed  in  a  small  way,  would  pro- 
duce only  murderers. 

^VATER  A  thin  substance  applied  to  stocks 
with  which  to  soak  buyers. 


WEDDING  A  trade  in  which  the  bride  is  gen- 
erally given  away,  and  the  groom  is  often 
sold. 

WEEDS  Found  in  gardens  and  widows.  For 
removing  easily,  marry  the  wido^v. 

WICKEDNESS  A  myth  invented  by  good 
people  to  account  for  the  singular  attractive- 
ness of  others. 


WIDOW^  The  wife  of  a  golfer  during  the  open 
season,  unless  she  golfs,  too.  In  that  event 
the  children  are  golf  orphans. 


THE      FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

WHISKY     Trouble  put  up  in  liquid  form. 

WIND  An  aerial  phenomenon,  superinduced  by 
an  ephemeral  agitation  of  the  nebular  strata, 
whereby  air,  (hot  or  cold),  impelled  into 
transitory  activity,  generates  a  prolonged 
passage  through  space,  owing  to  certain  occult 
ethereal  stimuli,  and  results  in  zephyrs, 
breezes,  blows,  blow-outs,  blizzards,  gales, 
simoons,  hurricanes,  tornadoes  or  typhoons. 
Barred  from  Kansas  Cyclone-cellars  but  fre- 
quently blended  with  Chicago  tongue  — 
canned  or  conversational. 

WOMAN  An  aspiring  creature  whose  political 
sphere  is  still  slightly  flattened  at  the  polls. 

WORD  Something  you  must  keep  after  giving 
it  to  another. 

WORRY  A  state  of  mind  that  leads  some 
persons  to  fear,  every  time  the  tide  goes  out, 
that  it  won't  come  in  again. 

WRINKLES     A  merchant's  trade-marks. 


It's   the    first  straw  hat  which   shows    how  the 
wind  blows. 


Xi2 


A  Ride  goeth  before  a  Fall.  — 
See  Automobile,  Bucking  Broncho,  Bicycle,  Air- 
Ship,  Patrol-Wagon,  Rail,  and  Go-Cart. 


Ten  dollars  from  a  friend. 


I 


ARN  An  essential  in  fabrication —  either 
woven  or  narrated.  Mill  yams  are  high- 
ly   colored ;     those     spun     at     sea     much 

more  so. 

YAWL     Either  the  shape  of  a  boat  or  the  sound 
of  a  cat,  but  never  a  cat-boat. 

YAWNS     The  air-breaks  on  a  sleeper. 

YEAR     A  period    originally  including   365  days, 
now  325,  since  the  other  40  are  Lent. 

YELLOW   FEVER      A  passion  for  reading  the 
Hearst  newspapers. 


THE     FOOLISH     DICTIONARY. 

YOLK     The  legacy  of  the  hen  and  the  burden  of 
its  lay. 

YOKE     The   inheritance  of  the   hen-pecked  and 
the  burden  of  the  married. 


YULE-LOG  A  Christmas  protege  of  the  grate, 
too  young  to  smoke,  too  tough  to  burn  and  too 
green  to  warm  up  to  anybody. 

YOUTH  The  dynamo  that  makes  the  world  go 
round  ;  a  product  of  its  own  generation,  with 
its  wires  carrying  Power  into  the  high  places 
of  Earth  and  with  its  currents  of  Thought 
short-circuited  only  by  bigoted  Old  Age. 


t 


EALOT      One  who  loves  morality   so  well 
he  will  commit  crime  to  maintain  it. 


ZEBRA  The  crook  among  horses,  condemned  to 
■wear  stripes  for  life. 

ZERO  Originally,  nothing ;  but  now  meaning  a 
good  deal  on  a  thermometer  or  bank-draft, 
and  comprising  two-thirds  of  the  400. 

ZIGZAG  The  popular  route  after  a  heavy  dinner. 
Old  adage,  "  The  longest  way  round  is  the 
drunkard's  w^ay  home  !" 


ZOUAVE 


The  original  Mrs-  Bloomer, 


P  0  $  t  a  g  e 

and 

P  0  $  t  a  I 

Info  r  m  a  t  i  0  n  , 

How  to  Mail  a  Letter. 

After  writing  it,  place  it  in  a  square  or 
oblong  envelope  —  round  ones  are  no 
longer  fashionable  —  seal  it  on  the  back 
and  write  a  legible  address  on  the  front ; 
then  take  a  two-cent  stamp,  give  it  a 
good  licking  and  retire  it  to  the  corner  — 
the  upper,  right-hand  corner,  on  the  out- 
side— never  inside,  as  the  postmaster  is 
not  a  clairvoyant.      Drop  it  in  a  lette**- 


POSTAGE    AND   POSTAL    INFORMATION. 

box  and  trust  to  luck.  If  it's  a  love 
letter,  it  will  probably  reach  her  all  right, 
for  Cupid  is  a  faithful  postman  and  carries 
a  stout  pair  of  wings.  If  it's  a  bill,  by 
all  means  have  it  registered;  otherwise, 
your  debtor  will  s\vear  he  never  got  it. 
If  it's  cash  for  your  tailor,  heed  the  post- 
office  warning,  "Don't  send  money 
through  the  mails."  Wait  until  you 
happen  to  meet  him  on  the  street.  If  he 
sees  you  first,  you  lose. 


First-class  Matter* 

Anything  you  are  ashamed  to  have  the 
postmaster  or  postmistress  read,  and  there- 
fore seal  up,  is  known  as  first-class  matter. 
Also,  postal  cards,  where  you're  only  al- 
lowed to  argue  on  one  side.  If  you  think 
your  letter  should  travel  slowly,  invest  ten 
cei?ts  in  a  Special  Delivery  Stamp.  This 
will  insure  a  nice,  leisurely  journey,  last- 


POSTAGE    AND    POSTAL    INFORMATION. 

ing  from  one  to  two  days  longer  than  by 
the  cheap  two-cent  route. 

Second-class  Matter* 

This  class  was  originated  for  the  bene- 
fit of  Patent  Medicine  Mixers,  who  print 
circulars  on  "What  Ails  You"  four  times 
a  year,  and  pepper  the  land  with  "  Before- 
and-after-taking"  caricatures,  at  the  rate 
of  one  cent  a  pound. 

Third-class  Matter* 

While  the  quack  nostrums  travel 
second-class  for  one  cent  a  pound,  books, 
engravings,  manuscript  copy,  and  works 
of  art  have  to  go  third-class  and  are  taxed 
one  cent  for  every  two  ounces.  They 
must  also  be  left  open  for  inspection,  thus 
affording  the  post-office  employee  a  fleet- 
ing acquaintance  with  something  really 
useful. 


POSTAGE    AND    POSTAI^    INFORMATION. 

Fourth-class  Matter* 

Everything  not  included  in  the  above, 
except  poisons,  explosives,  live  animals, 
insects,  inflammable  articles,  and  things 
giving  off  a  bad  odor.  The  last  two  do 
not  include  T^he  Police  Gazette  or  The 
Pbilistim. 


A  F  e  w 

My  t  h  0  I  0  g  i  c  a  I 

and   Classical 

Names. 


Brotight  down  to  date  in  brief 
Notes  by  the  Editor* 

ACHILLES.  A  courageous  Greek, 
who  did  a  general  slaughtering  business  in 
Troy  in  i  i  80  B.C.,  but  was  finally  pinked 
in  the  heel — his  only  vulnerable  spot  — 
and  died. 


Long  life  often    depends  on   being  well 
heeled. 


A       FEW        MYTHOIvOGICAI. 

ADONIS.     A  beautiful  youth,  beloved 
by  Venus  and  killed  by  a  boar. 


Bores  have  been  the  death  of  us  ever  since. 

BACCHUS.  A  brewer,  who  supplied 
the  Gods  with  nectar,  the  beer  that  made 
Olympus  famous. 


Those  desiring  a  drink,  please  ask  Dickens 
if'*  Bacchus  is  willinV' 

CASTOR    AND     POLLOX.       Two 

clever  sports  and  twin  brothers  from 
Greece,  Castor  being  a  horse-trainer  and 
Pollux  a  pugilist,  whose  sister,  Helen,  a 
respectable,  married  woman,  disgraced  the 
family  by  eloping  with  Paris. 


Just  because  a  man  can  break  a  broncho 
or  win  a  prize  fight,  it^s  no  sign  he  can  man- 
age a  woman. 


AND      CLASSICAL     NAMES. 

CERBERUS.  A.  dog  with  three  heads, 
a  serpent's  tail  and  several  snakes  around 
his  neck,  who  guarded  the  main  entrance 
to  Hades. 


When  a  man  begins  to  see  snakes  and  one 
head  looks  like  three,  it^s  a  cinch  he*s  not 
far  from  Hell. 

CHARON.  Thegloomy  gondolier  of 
the  Styx,  who  carried  the  dead  to  the 
Other  World — if  they  paid  him  first. 


And  even  to-day,  he  who  patronizes  Rapid 
Transit  must  pay  his  fare  in  advance. 

CUPID.  The  son  of  Venus  and  the 
God  of  Love,  who  with  bow  and  arrows 
punctured  men's  bosoms  with  the  darts  of 
admiration. 


But  now-a-days  the  arrow's  not  in  it  with 
a  snug  bathing  suit  or  a  decollette  gown. 


A        FEW        MYTHOI.OGICAI< 

DAEDALUS.  The  original  Santos 
Dumont,  who  invented  and  successfully 
operated  a  flying-machine  that  would  fly. 
His  son,  Icarus,  tried  the  trick,  went  too 
high  and  fell  into  the  sea. 


A  flier  frequently  precedes  a  fall  —  especially 
in  Wall  Street* 

DIANA.     The  goddess  of  the  chase; 
unmarried. 


And  this  is  very  fitting.    May  the  chase 
always  be  for  the  unmarried  only ! 

HERCULES.  The  Gritty  Greek 
(no  relation  to  the  Terrible  Turk),  an  in- 
dependent laborer,  who  always  had  a  good 
job  awaiting  him. 


It  is  interesting  to  recall  the  days  when 
non-union  labor  had  all  the  work  it  wanted. 


AND     CIvASSICAIv     NAMES* 

IXION.      A   king    of  Thessaly,  who 
for  his  sins  was  broken  on  a  wheel. 


And  men  have  been  going  broke  on  **  the 
wheel  **  ever  since. 

LOTUS  EATERS.  A  gang  of 
ancient  vegetarians,  who  chewed  leaves 
and  went  to  sleep. 


Now  succeeded  by  a  club  of  New  Yorkers, 
who  chew  the  rag  and  keep  awake. 

MERCURY.  A  celestial  messenger- 
boy,  who  wore  wings  on  his  shoes  and 
knew  how  "to  get  there"  in  a  hurry. 


Now  they  all  wear  hobbles,  and  never 
exceed  the  speed  limit  in  a  publk  thorough- 
fare. 


A        FEW        MYTHOIvOGICAI. 

MIDAS.  A  Greek  king,  who  had  the 
power  of  turning  into  gold  all  that  he 
touched. 


That^s  nothing !  There  are  plenty  of  men 
to-day  who  always  get  gold  whoever  they 
touch. 

SAPPHO.  A  love-lorn  poetess,  who, 
failing  to  win  the  man  she  first  loved, 
cured  herself  by  jumping  into  the  Medi- 
terranean. 


She  probably  acted  on  the  old  advice, 
**  There^s  plenty  more  fish  in  the  sea  !  ** 

TANTALUS.  A  proud  king,  who 
suffered  in  Hades  the  agonies  of  hunger 
and  thirst,  with  food  and  drink  always 
in  sight,  but  always  beyond  reach. 


Here  on  earth,  the  50-cent  table  d*hote 
accomplishes  the  same  result  —  besides  cost- 
ing you  the  fifty. 


AND     CLAvSSICAIv     NAMES. 

TROY.  An  ancient,  oriental  city, 
which  took  in  a  wooden  horse  and  saw 
the  domestic  finish  of  Helen  and  Paris. 


Do  not  confuse  with  Troy,  N.  Y.,  where 
they  only  take  in  washing  and  provide  a 
domestic  finish  for  collars  and  shirts. 

VULCAN.  The  Olympian  black- 
smith, who  always  had  his  hammer  with 
him 


But  not  all  who  carry  hammers  are  black- 
smiths. 


Legal 

and   Local 

Holidays 

i  n    t  h  e 

Unite  d    S  t  a  t  e  s  . 


JANUARY  I,  New  Yearns  Day.  On 
this  day  the  Flowing  Bowl  is  filled  — 
and  emptied  —  and  the  Genial  Palm  cir- 
culated in  forty-three  States  and  Terri- 
tories out  of  forty-nine.  In  Massachusetts, 
New  Hampshire,  Rhode  Island,  Arkansas, 
Oklahoma  and  the  Indian  Territory  there 
is  no  celebration.  The  natives  are  too  busy 
collecting  good  resolutions  and  bad  bills. 


LEGAIv    AND    LOCAIv    HOI^IDAYS 

FEBRUARY  22,  Washington's  Birthday. 
(George,  not  Booker),  is  remembered  by 
thirty-eight  of  the  States.  On  this  day, 
in  the  public  schools,  are  shown  pictures 
of  George  Chopping  the  Cherry  Tree 
and  Breaking  Up  the  Delaware  Ice  Trust, 
Valley  Forge  in  Winter,  and  Mt,  Vernon 
on  a  Busy  Day.  The  Pride  of  the  Class 
recites  Washington's  *'  Farewell  to  the 
Army,"  Minnie  the  Spieler  belabors  the 
piano  with  the  "Washington  Post 
March,"  and  the  scholars  all  eat  Wash- 
ington Pie,  made  of  *'  Columbia,  the  Jam 
of  the  Ocean." 

MARCH  J  7,  St.  Patrick's  Day  and  Evac- 
uation Day,  when  the  British  redcoats  got 
out  of  Boston  and  Patrick  evicted  the 
snakes  from  Ireland.  For  observing  the 
day,  wear  a  turkey-red  coat,  or  vest,  and 
put  a  bit  of  green  ribbon,  or  a  shamrock, 
in  the  buttonhole  —  the  green  above  he 
red.  On  Easter  day,  wear  a  scrambled 
egg  in  the  same  place. 


IN    THE     UNITED    STATES. 

APRIL  \9,  Patriot's  Day.  A  New  Eng- 
land successor  to  FAST  DAY  —  the 
slowest  day  of  the  year.  Originally  in- 
vented for  Fasting  and  Prayer.  Now 
used  exclusively  for  opening  the  Baseball 
Season,  Locating  a  Seashore  Home  for 
the  Summer,  and  watching  Red-Shirted 
Diogenes  at  his  Tub. 

Little  drops  of  water, 

Little  lines  of  hose. 
Make  the  mighty  Muster 

As  ev'ry  Laddie  knows. 

MAY  If  Moving  Day.  Observed  every- 
where by  The  Restless  Tenant. 

APRIL  26  ]  TMT         .  t  n       i^^   **  Dixie  " 
MAY  30    P^^°"^^^^yM  In  the  North 
A  Symphony  in  Blue  and  Gray. 

JUNE  \  1,  Bunker  Hill  Day.  Celebrated 
in  Boston,  Mass.,  by  a  procession  of  the 
Ancient  and  Horrible  Distillery  Company, 
a  few  of  the  City  Fathers  in  hacks,  a 
picked  bunch  of  Navy  Yard  sailors  and 
occasionally  a  few  samples  from  a  Wild 


IvEGAIv    AND    IvOCAL    HOLIDAYS 

West  Show.  For  24  hours,  pistols  and 
firecrackers  are  allowed  to  mutilate 
Young  America  ad  lib. 

JULY  4,  Independence  Day.  A  national 
holiday,  invented  for  the  benefit  of  pop- 
corn and  peanut  promoters;  tin  horn  and 
toy-balloon  vendors;  lemonade  chemists; 
dealers  in  explosives;  physicians  and 
surgeons.  A  grand  chance  for  the  citizen- 
soldier  to  hear  the  roar  of  battle,  smell 
powder,  shoot  the  neighbor's  cat,  and  lose 
a  night's  rest  —  or  a  finger. 

LABOR  DAY,  First  Monday  in  Sep- 
tember. The  only  day  when  labor  works 
overtime.  An  occasion  when  the  work- 
ingman  takes  a  cane  in  place  of  a  dinner- 
pail  and  proudly  tramps  the  streets  behind 
a  real  silk  banner  and  a  Hod  Carrier  on  a 
Cart  Horse. 


IN    T  H  K     UNITED     vS  T  A  T  IC  S  . 

THANKSGIVING  DAY  (Last  Thurs- 
day in  November).  A  day  devoted  to  the 
annual  division  of  Turkey  —  with  Greece 
on  the  side  —  by  the  Hung'ry  folks. 

DECEMBER  25,  Christmas  Day,  An- 
other national  holiday,  marked  by  the 
following  observances:  Filling  the  young 
and  helpless  with  a  lot  of  fiction  about 
Santa  Glaus,  the  old  chimney  fakir,  who 
went  up  the  flue  long  ago;  making  a 
clothesline  of  the  mantelpiece  and  rob- 
bing the  forest  of  its  young;  swapping 
several  things  we'd  like  to  keep  for  a  lot 
of  stuff  we  don't  want;  and,  finally,  put- 
ting on  in  church  a  Sunday  night  perform- 
ance of  light  opera,  known  as  "The 
Sabbath  School  Concert.'* 


-efstiv  o'  Calt'o"^  Los  f^''<q^'< 


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